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Pretty Redefined

I’m for redefining pretty
As I’m plain and feeling shitty
Towards all those beauty queens
I see in those movie scenes.
Damn their cute upturned snub noses,
Glossy hair that smells of roses,
Legs that up to heaven rise,
Ruby lips and doe-like eyes,
Smiles that dazzle and entice —
No! This will no more suffice!

Redefining female beauty
Means a different kind of cutie —
Faces more like mine for starters,
Legs like fence posts, massive garters,
Triple X enormous knickers,
Big flat feet (good backside kickers),
Teeth like a smashed Xylophone,
Skin a pale and sickly tone,
Muffin tops around the belly,
Buttocks like a ruptured jelly.

This will be the face of beauty,
Unlike all those fancy snooty
Women who are now called pretty —
Former beauties whom we’ll pity.
Why will men want then to date them?
They will more than likely hate them,
And they’ll take us in their arms,
Dazzled by our new found charms,
Finding much more flesh to cling to,
And a homely face to sing to.

This, when beauty’s redefined,
In my plainly pretty mind.

— D.N. O’Brien