Devilish News for Donald
The Donald, he visited Hell,
And choked on the sulphuric smell.
Old Nick, a vial gripping,
On acid was tripping –
The fiend said: “A secret I’ll tell:
It gives me much joy to confess
That I now control the U.S.,
And hour upon hour
Increases my power;
It’s Hell Trump, for I own the press!”
Breaking News! – One of our reliable sources has reported that Donald Trump recently had a secret meeting with the Devil, aka Old Nick, Beelzebub, Satan etc.. The meeting was held at the Devil’s headquarters, commonly known as Hell. It appears that Hell is located directly under the White House and not under the Kremlin as previously thought.
We’re not disclosing anything, but some speculate that our source, who for obvious reasons will remain unnamed, is embedded with the White House staff, and is carrying out a clandestine surveillance of Trump’s every evil move. Whilst observing Trump, who was at the time dressed in bright red pyjamas with “MAGA” emblazoned on the back, at or around midnight on a date that we won’t disclose, the source saw (but could not record unfortunately, due to a mysterious malfunction of his video camera) Trump enter a secret passageway deep in the bowels of the White House. (According to the source this secret passageway was personally excavated by Richard Nixon in his spare time back in the early ‘70s.)
Luckily Trump failed to lock the passageway door behind him, and the source entered and followed at a safe distance. The winding and steeply descending passageway soon became a narrow, dank, and slippery tunnel, dimly lit with a reddish glow. Gradually the air in the tunnel became warmer; the glow became redder and the source began finding it more and more difficult to breath; the smell of brimstone permeated the fetid miasma and the source had to try very hard not to choke and cough and so alert Trump, who was now some 20 yards in front of him and striding along at a rapid pace. The worse the air got the more sprightly Donald seemed to become.
Gradually the tunnel widened until at last it began to open out and the source saw Trump, still some yards ahead of him, enter into a blazing cave brightly lit by flames which seemed to emanate from the floor, the walls, and the roof. The flames engulfed Trump but he did not catch fire. The “MAGA” emblazoned on his pyjama-top began to pulse with some sort of demonic energy and Trump let out a maniacal laugh – “Hi honey – I’m home!” he ejaculated.
From out of the flames came a short figure all dressed in red. He had two horns protruding from his head and a long forked tail; he was carrying a pitchfork. “Cut the Hollywood inspired humour Trump! Call me honey one more time and I’ll have you replaced by Mike Pence before you can say: ’That’s sad!’” spat the Devil.(Well he was obviously the Devil.)
“Sorry Satan,” said Trump “It’s just my twisted sense of humour, which by the way, half of America, and most of the rest of the world doesn’t understand either. But that aside Nick – what are your latest instructions?”
“Come closer and I’ll tell you,” said the Devil. Trump did as he was instructed, and the Devil began whispering in his ear. The source, still cowering in the tunnel, close to the caves entrance, strained to hear the devil’s whispers, but due to the distance and the constant screaming in the background, he could only pick up the odd clear word and some syllables here and there:
“B???? that f???ing wall! – L??k up the ???ican babies in cages – nuke ????? Korea – Climate change is ????shit – shoot ???lary – Trudeau is a ????wit”. The source got the gist of the conversation.
Soon the meeting was over. Trump shook hands with the Devil. (Another thing he is frequently accused of.) This was followed by high-fives (well, mid-fives) and a brief rap performance by Satan, at the conclusion of which Donald applauded enthusiastically and encouraged the Devil to keep practicing.
The source had seen enough; he turned and retreated as fast as he could back up the tunnel, into the passageway, through the doorway and back to his quarters. He smelt strongly of brimstone and corruption (but mainly corruption.) He showered, put on his blue pyjamas and crawled into bed. It took what seemed like ages for him to get to sleep, and even then he only slept fitfully. He awoke as if from a nightmare, but he knew it had all been very real!
We’ve set down here in print what this totally reliable and honest source saw on the night in question. We suspected that Donald Trump was in league with the Devil and now we have the undeniable proof. Our sources are brave, resourceful, dedicated and above all else – imaginative.
This incredible, fantastic, almost unbelievable story shows that these courageous men and women, our reliable sources, will literally go to Hell and back, so that we may bring you – THE TRUTH.
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