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Working Late to Regulate

You want a successful vocation?
Perhaps you should try regulation.
You’ll work in a tower,
And have lots of power,
And use it to hamstring your nation.

The Australian Regulatory Scourge of Enterprises Society (A.R.S.E.S.) Annual Address

This year the address is presented by Dr. Steven Swindle PhD O.A.M. M.B.E. X.Y.Z.

Fellow citizens of all genders and cultures, it is my honour tonight to present the annual ARSES address. Before continuing however, I would like to thank 16 year old Bunger Zerkowitz-Jones for welcoming all of us here to his country. As a 4th generation Australian I feel humbled by the generosity of Bunger and his relations in letting me remain here – thank you Bunger, on behalf of myself and my ancestors, and of course, many thanks to all your relations.

I’m sure many of you have heard that oft repeated claim that regulation is somehow “killing” jobs in this country – actually, my friends, nothing could be further from the truth. Even as I speak, the combined regulatory industries are creating jobs at a record pace, and regulation is now firmly established as the core-creator of new employment – indeed, job creation and regulatory industry expansion is rising at an exponential pace and will continue to do so well into the future. The sky is the limit for the regulating industries. There is no such thing as over-regulation; as the old saying goes: “There is always one more regulation.”

Any young person interested in a long and non-productive or preferably counter-productive career should consider gaining qualifications that will make him or her (or one of the other 55 gender pronouns) a valuable and sort-after commodity within the regulatory industry sphere. Universities are offering numerous courses designed to equip budding regulators with the skills necessary to hamper and eventually bring down productive enterprises, and even entire industries. This of course raises an interesting question which is often discussed around the water-coolers during those fleeting breaks from the serious business of regulation – what happens when the industry we are unmercifully regulating eventually either gives up and disappears into thin air or relocates to Trump’s increasingly deregulated U.S.A.?

The answer, fellow citizens of our rich tapestry of various genders and cultures, is that by then that particular productive industry is no longer needed. Yes! That is the magic of regulation! By the time that massively regulated industry collapses under the weight of our imposed regulations, the regulating industry that has been doing the regulating has reached critical mass! – it no longer needs the productive industry that it has regulated out of existence – it has become self-sustaining! Regulation will continue – new mobile apps will need to be developed – the websites will need to be kept up to date and even expanded. New regulations will need to be drawn up and imposed, and, best of all! – more staff will need to be employed to handle the increased workload.

But “Hold on!” you say, “There is no longer an industry to regulate – surely.” Ah, but you are wrong – you are missing the point – we must embrace change, and the change is this: sure the old productive industry is gone, but a new vibrant industry has been created – a clean, green, air-conditioned, smart–dressing, no dirty fingernails, gender diverse (all 57), multi-cultural, feminist, non-polluting, inclusive and equitable industry that must continue to regulate regardless of the now perhaps sad non-existent state of its previous victim. And after all, many would ask – what really is existence? Or for that matter what is that state that we label reality other than a mere social construct of the corrupt patriarchy? Whether something exists or not, (even an industry) is, in the final analysis, a matter of nothing more than subjective opinion. The main thing is that the regulating industry exists – at least as far as we can tell.

Remember, this is not 1984, this is 2018, and we all must adapt. Regulation is the bright light at the end of the tunnel (the regulated tunnel) and we must all look to the light. Regulation must become our mantra, and those who would preach otherwise must be silenced. Regulation deniers must be punished! Advance Australia Fair! let us all rejoice and comply – gain accreditations, wear our safety gear and high-visibility clothing, not climb ladders over 2.0 metres without a harness, not smoke within 2 kilometres of another human being, and, most important of all, unless you are fully accredited, don’t attempt to change a light bulb!

Of course, in order to achieve our goal of a totally regulated Utopia, the spirit of regulation must be instilled into our very being from early childhood. This would have been impossible before the childcare revolution, when parents actually raised children themselves, but now, with institutionalized childcare and an army of compliant carers moulding the innocent little minds of our children, they can all be pointed in the right direction from a very early age. That is the goal of all childcare centres – to turn out happy little regulators.

In conclusion, I sincerely hope, fellow humans of diverse genders and so on and so forth, that I have motivated all of you to go out and spread the gospel of regulation. You are the front line troops in the battle against those who would deregulate – the troglodytes who would bring back an unregulated past. Thank you for your time, and I would just like to quickly address that other frequently asked question: “When all the productive industries are regulated out of existence and only the regulators (thriving though they may be) are left – who will pay the bills?”

Oh that’s easy folks – don’t worry! Our credit rating is still holding up. Sure we will have to print more money, but that means an expansion of the mint! Hurrah! – even more jobs!
Thank you and ……… Happy regulating!

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