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Facebook is a daily addiction.
Facebook is the web’s drug of choice.
Facebook is a pleasant affliction;
Can’t you hear it – the siren’s sweet voice?

Great Southern Land Mobile (Smart) Phone Bill 2018

The Government proposes to introduce into Parliament a Bill to make provisions about Mobile (Smart) Phones and for related purposes. This draft Bill has been prepared for public comment but it does not necessarily represent the Government’s settled position.

In view of the public’s concern with the increasingly obvious danger that so called “smart” phones pose to Greatsouthlandians, and in particular to the youth of The Great Southern Land, the government intends to introduce legislation to limit and control their use.

Studies carried out indicate that usage of smart phones is now the number 1 addiction of many Greatsouthlandians and that this is leading to societal breakdown. So called social media websites seem to be the main drugs of choice. Addicts exhibit a wide range of symptoms including vagueness, inability to communicate except by texting, blank looks, continually looking for “likes” to their latest post, terrible spelling, and running into lampposts or being run over by vehicles when walking and indulging in their addiction at the same time.

Of course no one envisaged this happening. It was assumed that users of smart phones would gain substantially more useful knowledge than nonusers but it appears the reverse has happened – smart phone user’s brains are so crammed with inane memes, pictures of food and pets and random “funny” videos that there are no brain cells left over to store useful information. Indeed, the use of smart phones has become such a threat to the future of the country and its citizens that it is proposed that smart phones be classed as “deadly weapons” and all aspects of their use be regulated by government. The following measures are proposed:

1) There is to be a voluntary “buyback” of smart phones currently in use. These smart phones will be publicly destroyed.

2) Where individuals opt to retain their smart phones they will first need to surrender their phone and then be psychologically assessed as to their mental state. Should they pass the test they will then attend a training course on the responsible use of smart phones. Following the successful completion of this course they will be issued with a license (total estimated cost of the above – $1200) and their phones returned to them. Their phones will be registered with the newly formed Smart Phone Registry and phones must then be securely stored in an approved “phone-safe”. (cost $300)

3) Controlled and monitored use of smart phones – smart phone license holders will be permitted to use their smart phones for a maximum of 30 minutes per day. This usage will be monitored by the newly formed Smart Phone Usage Monitoring Authority. There will be a yearly fee of $350 for this service.

4) Penalties for not complying – Failure to comply with any of the above requirements will result in a heavy fine (to be determined) plus reassessment of the licensee’s mental state and their suitability to hold a smart phone license. Major breaches may result in criminal prosecution and a possible jail sentence.

5) Non-smart phones – these phones and their usage will have no restrictions placed upon them. The government will liaise with phone manufacturers to ensure that there will be an adequate supply of these “dumb phones” to fill the gap left by the absence of smart phones and to ensure that commercial and private phone usage continues unhindered.

In conclusion, the government believes that legislation to establish laws severely limiting the ownership and use of smart phones is absolutely necessary in order to avoid the existential threat of mass imbecility. There will of course be those who oppose this proposal, arguing that their freedoms are being trampled on, but as always the government strongly reinstates its responsibility to the The Great Southern Land and its people overall, and its commitment to that unarguable principle – The Greater Good.

Public Submissions

Submissions may be made to:

mobilesmartphonebillwasteofyourtime@totalcontrol.gov.gsl by 1st April 2018.

In view of the fact that the government believes that the bill will be passed into law with few (no) changes to the conditions set out above, the government feels that it is only fair to warn those making a public submission that the content and tone of their submission may be used to determine the psychological state of the submitter with regard to their suitability for retaining their smart phone and acquiring a license to use same at some future date.

Note: Submissions may be made from smart phones – have a nice day.