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Monthly Archives: March 2018

Ball-Tampering World Championships

31 Saturday Mar 2018

Posted by Dennis N. O'Brien in Satire, Sonnet

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

April Fool's Day, Australian cricket team ball-tampering, Cricket ball tampering, poem, poetry, sonnet, The Ashes

{a repost of this poem to go with the following story}

Oh cricket! What has it descended to?
What happened to that fair and honoured game?
To the old rules we must now bid adieu,
And surely it will never be the same.
Of course, the players, they will take the blame,
But is it just a symptom of an ill?
Are dirty tricks okay now when it’s fame
And money that’s the goal? The venues fill
No more – the faithful miss that cheering thrill
When honest men took to the hallowed field
With bat and ball unsullied, and a will
To triumph fair and square, and not to yield.
Those days are gone; Oh well, we must be brave.
Meanwhile “The Don” turns over in his grave.

Australian cricket team caught ball-tampering

(The following story is brought to you by the United Sandpaper Company, and by Chakita – makers of battery powered ball-tampering angle grinders – “Is that a Chakita in your underpants, or are you just glad to see me?”)

Once again The Great Southern Land is Ball-Tampering Champion of the World.

Up against incredibly rough, stiff, and abrasive competition from such giants of the sport as Cakistan, The East Windies, Sindia, and Pommyland, our amazing team of professional ball-tamperers has shown true-grit, and has once again ground its way to an impressive win.

Of course the early rounds against the world’s BT minnows hardly tested the skills of our formidable tricksters. Crowds gasped at the sleight of hand exhibited (well, not exhibited actually) – one moment the ball would be clearly in good condition – one side shiny and the other slightly dull and then! – Hey presto! It would be magically transformed, with the dull side now virtually destroyed! The applause from the stands was at times deafening!

The “Big Guns” of BT then fell one by one, inexorably, to the GSL team. All were rubbed out until only one team was left to deal with – the team that strikes fear into any ball-tamperer. Yes, the final would be a rough and grinding, gritty and gouging contest between the Great Southern Land and that other giant of the game – Seth Efrica.

How the final surged back and forth! First Seth Efrica would gain the upper hand – their tampering was a thing to behold. (or not behold) And then GSL would counter-attack. So many balls destroyed! Soon supplies of balls were running low – would the final be declared a draw due to lack of balls? Luckily time was nearly up, and with just 10 seconds to go and the score deadlocked and the country almost ball-less the Great Southern Land team struck! In those few remaining seconds they miraculously transformed a bright and shiny ball into something that can only be described as….hideous – no doubt this tamper will be talked about for years – sports analysts will dissect it tamper by tamper and coaches will use it to inspire their teams.

The World Championship of Ball-Tampering is over, but its effect will live on. Young players who witnessed the best ball-tamperers in the world will no doubt be inspired, and will diligently practise their skills, The great sport of Ball-Tampering will surely expand as once again the diminutive and humble Holy Grail of the sport , “The Granules”, returns to The Great Southern Land.

This has been Gary (the grinder) Gritenberg reporting from Seth Efrica. 1st April 2018

The Great Watery Wall of Australia

29 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by Dennis N. O'Brien in Satire

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Australia stops illegal boat people, Australia's moat, Australian poet, Boat people, limerick, Limerick poem, Limerick poetry, poem, poetry, U.S. - Mexico border wall

Sorry U.S.A. – sorry to gloat,
But to get to us they need a boat.
The so-called refugees,
They must cross stormy seas.
We don’t need a wall – we have a moat.

Tree-sex Police Raid

29 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by Dennis N. O'Brien in Satire

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Australian poet, dendrophilia, limerick, Limerick poem, Limerick poetry, poem, poetry, Sex with trees, Tree sex

There she was, grinding on the tree top.
They called out: “This tree-sex has to stop!
Please desist – you’ve been warned.
If you won’t – be informed:
That particular branch we will lop!”

Woman has sex with tree – couple to marry

One Stormy Knight

27 Tuesday Mar 2018

Posted by Dennis N. O'Brien in Satire

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Tags

Australian poet, poem, poetry

The night was dark and Stormy;
Poor Donald was half-blind.
He hungered for a lady
Big upfront and broad behind.

When males are hot and horny
Then sometimes they unwind
With ladies somewhat shady.
(I think you know the kind.)

Marching for Our Lives

26 Monday Mar 2018

Posted by Dennis N. O'Brien in Satire

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Australian poet, Gun Control, March for our lives, Mass hysteria, poem, poetry, The Madness of Crowds, Virtue signalling

We’re marching for our lives today.
It’s our emotions we obey.
It isn’t logical you say?
You’re wrong! It’s right to give away

Our rights – it isn’t much to pay,
And we don’t own guns anyway.
We’re marching for our lives today!
Come see our virtue on display!

It’s Just Not Cricket

25 Sunday Mar 2018

Posted by Dennis N. O'Brien in Observation, Sonnet

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Australian poet, Cricket ball tampering, Don Bradman, Donald Bradman, poem, poetry, sonnet, Spenserian sonnet, Test cricket, The Don

Oh cricket! What has it descended to?
What happened to that fair and honoured game?
To the old rules we must now bid adieu,
And surely it will never be the same.
Of course, the players, they will take the blame,
But is it just a symptom of an ill?
Are dirty tricks okay now when it’s fame
And money that’s the goal? The venues fill
No more – the faithful miss that cheering thrill
When honest men took to the hallowed field
With bat and ball unsullied, and a will
To triumph fair and square, and not to yield.
Those days are gone; Oh well, we must be brave.
Meanwhile “The Don” turns over in his grave.

Australian cricket team caught ball-tampering

Welcome Home!

23 Friday Mar 2018

Posted by Dennis N. O'Brien in Satire

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Australian poet, Holy Koran, ISIS, Islamic infiltration, islamic Terrorism, Islamization, jihad, Jihadi, limerick, Limerick poem, Limerick poetry, poem, poetry

The U.K. it welcomes you home!
The Middle East no more to roam.
Our home-grown Jihadis
Are heroes – not baddies;
The Holy Koran is our tome.

U.K. bans conservatives – welcomes back Jihadis

Against the Machine

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by Dennis N. O'Brien in Observation

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Australian poet, limerick, Limerick poem, Limerick poetry, Maintain the rage, poem, poetry

I have laboured to an advanced age,
Yet I’m neither a seer nor a sage.
And though sometimes I dither,
My muscles they wither,
I’ve managed to maintain my rage.

Banned Word Associations

21 Wednesday Mar 2018

Posted by Dennis N. O'Brien in Satire

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Australian poet, Compelled speech, Free Speech, poem, poetry, Political Correctness

{In the interest of a peaceable, compliant, and docile society, certain word associations are now banned – the following groups of words may no longer be used in the same sentence}

Muslims, kill, Israeli, Jews.
Fake, main-stream, corrupted, news.
Straight, white, normal, male, okay.
Liberal, snowflake, queer, bent, gay.
Stalin, Gulag, murderer.
Barack, liar, Obama, cur.
Merkel, stupid, cow, old, bitch.
Sneaky, Hillary, bad, rich.
President, achiever, Trump.
Dozy, dopey, Forrest, gump.
Lying, scheming, Democrat.
Porker, chubby, ugly, fat.
Loser, Clinton, bitter, sore.
Crooked, climate, change, Al, gore.

(Please stay tuned, there will be more.)

Count Dankula

20 Tuesday Mar 2018

Posted by Dennis N. O'Brien in Satire

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Australian poet, Authoritarianism in the UK, Count Dankula, Count Dankula found guilty, poem, poetry, Pom, Pom - Englishman (Australian slang), Pommie, UK free speech oppression

Count Dankula will be locked up
For something that he taught his pup.
A prison sentence he will get
Just for a funny thing his pet,
His pug, does with his little paw;
The canine clearly broke the law.
So if you live in the U.K.
It’s clear that you’re not free – okay?
You can’t teach pets offensive tricks.
(How did the poms become such dicks?)
Your parrot better not: “Sieg Heil!”
Or you will find yourself in jail.

Count Dankula found guilty

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