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Based on an old army joke that used to circulate
during the Vietnam War years, but which probably dates back
to the Trojan War or beyond…
Note: Australian Army cooks at that time were usually referred to by the troops as “Tucker Fu**ers”

Tucker – Australian slang for food.

He takes his diary and he writes:

“Our situation’s very tight.
Where e’er I look a fearful sight.
All round, the fires of Hell are stoked;
Dead bodies that are steamed and smoked,
The clash of steel a constant sound.
(A weapon rattles to the ground)
How did I get into this mess?
But then I volunteered I guess.
My goose I know is surely cooked.
Any retreat would not be brooked,
And shells are bursting all about….”

But then beside his ear a shout:
(The mess sergeant has caught him out)

“Now put away that bloody book!
You’ve got two hundred meals to cook!
Pick up those egg shells from the floor!
Flip omelettes and those apples core!
And pick that flamin’ saucepan up,
And make some tea – I’ll have a cup,
And get that goose out on the shelf.
(I bags a drumstick for meself)
Remember lad, that war is hell,
But well behind the lines we dwell,
And so are nowhere near the fight,
So cook! You don’t have time to write!”